Barriers that prevent victims from leaving their abuser, with Reflection on Biblical Principle on abuse and how to deal with an abuser and seek help from abuseBeloved, seek help and do not be The victim of domestic violence that is trapped or faces barriers that prevent them from leaving their abuser, nor seeking redress and has led many stabbed and killed. These barriers are - Fear of physical harm, threats, harassment, making abuser angrier, living alone or being alone, losing children, losing house or car, others will blame you, the unknown, financial problems without him, a change in standard of living, deportation, no one believes you,the court system. - Love ....Still loves the abuser, Commitment to the relationship, Sex, affection, and kindness during non violence times, Companionship, History together, Hope of improvement or change, Emotional,Low self-esteem, emotionally exhausted Loneliness, Guilt, Self-blame for the abuse, Feeling like a failure, Feeling defective Feeling unwanted by others - Change- Not wanting a divorce, to be a single parent, to look for someone else, to leave pets, to grieve, to start over, to change life style, to lose his family & to be excluded from social functions - Abuser Uses mind games, crying, threats of suicide, his power and his family's power, Mr. Nice Guy image, unfulfilled promises, apologies, Children, Pressure from children who want their dad, Believes it is best for children, Custody issues, Need childcare, Support, Nowhere to go, Unaware help is available, No support system Isolated from support, Needs, Need insurance, Need financial support, Have health/disability issues - More barrier like Not identifying abuse Normalize abusive behaviors Abusive cycle is familiar Others accept violence as okay Pressure from others Preserve abusers reputation Religious beliefs Social status Security Having hopes and dreams Not Knowing its okay to leave
Do not be a victim either way( Murdered /Murderer) as in the link stories below : A Deputy Attorney General Colleen Norris said " Adebamiro wanted to end the marriage, but was stuck between two cultures and two generations. One side was telling him to get a divorce. The other pushed him to stick it out.The ensuing drama was dizzying. There were trips back and forth to Nigeria. Children left with a nanny. And a post-nuptial agreement aimed at stopping the chaos".Read more at delawareonline
"Nigerian men in the United States have gone berserk with rampant killing of their wives over disappointing and humiliation they suffer from NIgeria wives imported to America.The men who often sponsored their wives to nursing schools for which the women earn fat salaries after graduation cause ruckus between the couple which often end in divorce resulting into husbands giving up their life property and earnings according to the US law." [By Favour Nnabugwu - Vanguard Reporter]Read more at: VanguardNgr Please help yourself and your loved ones by seeking counsel as if any form of abuse is not redressed, the next step of the abuser is detrimental psychologically or physically in long term to your life and children, which just might be too late ..... Seek help from organisations like RAP .... "Changing lives for good ".......Let's Reflect on Biblical Principle on abuse and how to deal with an abuser and seek help from abuse
Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalms 103:6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed. As the above verses indicate, we, today, are encouraged to show a abusive Brother or Sister the error of their ways. In the Old Testament, those who had the position of being the spiritual guides of the God's people likewise had an obligation to warn those who were doing wrong of the consequences that would ensue if they did not change their ways. The words are non-compromising: Ezekiel 3:17-19 Son of man, I have made thee a watchman unto the house of Israel: therefore hear the word at my mouth, and give them warning from me. When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand.Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul. The manner in which the abuser is to be admonished (i.e. the spirit in which to approach him/her) and is not to condemn the person - whom Christ has called - but to condemn the actions, and try to encourage recognition of the sin, repentance and a change in ways: 2 Thessalonians 3:15 Yet count him not as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother. Galatians 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Jesus laid out a clear and simple procedure to follow in the event of dealing with an erring brother (or sister!): Mat. 18:15-17 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Those, who after several admonishings still stubbornly refuse to change their ways, are to be 'marked' or 'put away' - they are to be 'shamed' to the end that they realise the seriousness of their sin and repent: 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person. 2 Thessalonians 3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us. 2 Thessalonians 3:14,15 And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet count him not as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.
Shalom with Love .......Rev Sophy Wahab(c)
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The Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria 1999, sec 43; Married Women's Property Act 1882, sec 1; and Married Women's Property Law 1959, sec 1 (applicable in states created out of the former Western and Mid-Western Region of Nigeria, namely Delta, Edo, Ekiti, Ogun, Ondo, Osun and Oyo) guarantee this freedom. It has been a dilemma over years whether such rights are possible to be exercised and exercising this right is a separate issue. Married Women's Property Act of 1882: ... Marriage Act of 1990, Chapter 218 Laws of the Federation of Nigeria: - The married woman under the Act enjoys equal rights to the family assets acquired during the marriage and to be involved in their disposal during or after the marriage or upon the death of her husband (11). The phenomenon of exercising this right was a reality on Friday 1st March 2019 by Chief Judge of Oyo State, Justice Munta Abimbola at a court held in Ibadan, Oyo State. Where a woman that has children for her ex-husband under a customary marriage before a house is built has the right to live in the house with her children even after divorce under the provisions of the Married Woman Property Act 1882, A headline "Divorce Your Wife, Lose Your House To Her, Oyo Court Rules" [2/3/2019, Nigerian tribune] has been a shock to so many women in Nigeria, but the truth about Nigeria as a whole is that a lot of people do not know their rights and those that do, do not believe in the judicial system because of corruption. To those who still think exercising this right is a separate issue, should brace up with this precedence that has come to stay and set a lot of women free from systematic abused rights in marriages. The case precedence states - The provisions of the Married Woman Property Act 1882 formed the basis of the pronouncement of the Chief Judge of Oyo State, Justice Munta Abimbola, on Friday in a property suit between a divorced couple, Toyin Arajulu, formerly known as Mrs Toyin James and her former husband, Mr James Monday. The court held that “a husband who marries a wife and builds a house during the pendency of the marriage stands the risk of losing that house if he later divorces the woman who had children for him unless such woman, of her own volition, leaves the matrimonial home.” Justice Abimbola, while ruling on the matter, emphasised what is known in law as the “palm tree justice,” which indicates that it does not matter in whose name the property stands or who pays what (on the property) and in what proportion as determination of such matters transcends all rights, legal or even equitable, but simply what order is fair and just in the circumstances of the case, citing the case of Home Vs Home (1962) 1 WLR 1124 at 1128.S 17 Married Woman Property Act 1882, which is a statute of general application. Toyin Arajulu had filed the suit against her ex-husband, Monday James, who she married under Native Law and Customs in 1997 and for whom she had four children.She claimed that while she was married to him, they had put resources together and built two flats of three bedrooms at Ayedun in Akure, Ondo State and procured a plot of land at No 7, Fadana Biala Estate, Olodo, Ibadan, where they built a three-bedroom flat and a storey building which is still under construction before their divorce in July 2014. She averred that before the divorce, her husband had moved out of their matrimonial home in Olodo but only came constantly to try to forcibly eject her and the children, usually accompanied by thugs who attacked her and her children. She added that on August 15, 2014, one of her children, Bidemi James, was wounded in one of the episodes of attempted violent eviction and the sum of N530,000 from her business taken by her ex-husband and his accomplices. She claimed that he had concluded plans to sell off the joint property without her consent and had continued to victimise her and the children, asking the court for a declaration that the property is jointly owned by the two of them and an order that the landed property with the three-bedroom flat and uncompleted storey building be sold and proceeds divided equally between them and an order of perpetual injunction restraining James from harassing her and the children. In his counter claim and defence, the ex-husband stated that when he bought and constructed the Akure property, his wife was a full housewife and had no contribution to the project, adding that the situation was the same for the Ibadan property as his wife only signed as a witness as she had no job and only depended on what he gave her to take care of the children when he travelled out of the country. According to him, she was only trying to fraudulently take over his property, adding that her claims were vexatious, gold digging and an abuse of court process. He also asked the court to declare that the receipts of purchase his ex-wife presented were forged and that she should vacate possession of the property which she had refused to give up despite service of statutory seven days owner’s intention to recover possession and perpetual injunction restraining her from occupying the building. Justice Abimbola, while ruling on the case, held that the landed property at No 7, Fadana Biala Estate, Olodo, Ibadan, together with the three-bedroom flat and uncompleted storey building is jointly owned by the two. On the second relief that both buildings be sold as requested by Toyin, Justice Abimbola held that, “I will not give such orders in respect of the two buildings. Particularly, Section 17 Married Women Law of Oyo state Cap 83, Laws of Oyo state 2000 gives a court the discretion as it thinks fit on the issues of title of possession to property. “Section 18 also enjoins the court to treat such property as a joint property if the issue has to do with the maintenance of a matrimonial home. My order to this effect is that the completed three-bedroom flat on the land be retained as the matrimonial property and the four children are entitled as beneficial owners by way of a resulting trust created for them by their parents. The mother, as long as she remains unmarried, is directed to be in possession undisturbed in order to take care of her children. “The uncompleted storey building is ordered to be sold by both parties and the proceeds divided in equal share. The half share shall go to the wife for the maintenance of the children. A divorced wife has no business being maintained,” Justice Abimbola held. The court also restrained James from harassing Toyin any further or disturbing the quiet possession of the property by her and the children, holding that, “the rationale is that a husband who marries a wife and builds a house during the pendency of the marriage stands the risk of losing that house if he later divorces the woman who had children for him unless such woman, of her own volition, leaves the matrimonial home. Also, a divorced woman is not entitled to any maintenance allowance but maintenance of the children by way of settlement.” |
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